Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
