I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
