ya dads aren't the best wingmen
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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