she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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