The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
