You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
