Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
