I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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