I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
