her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize