allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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