I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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