Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
