My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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