i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
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If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
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OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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