He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
