Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
