He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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