so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
