So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
