First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Randomize
