Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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