Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
