i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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