I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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