checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
