i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
