any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
