No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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