I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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