do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
