I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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