She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
