I think I am morally bankrupt
I could make wine with my vomit
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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