New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
