I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
