Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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