i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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