and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
