I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
