I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
