So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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