so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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