Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
