I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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