My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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