Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
