she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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