Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
