I hate your face
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
