I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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