Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
