I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I could fuck to npr.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
