I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize