You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
