who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
